Love in action

I have always wanted to write a book or share the story of my life, not as a selfish self-indulgence but on a journey of discovery a change of mindset and now here I sit with the title of "The ramblings of a 40 something". How did I get to this pinnacle moment of my life that I thought hey I really want to share my story? A few reasons, a new season a new relationship and a new child all at 40. 

I started to write this blog December 2016 when I was pregnant with my 2nd son Shai. He passed away during childbirth on the 9th March 2017. In his memory and still with so many things to share that are burning within my soul, I have picked myself up out of the grief pit and have begun to write again as a healing process and in honor of my son.

I thought that by the time I hit 40 I would have made it. My life would be in order, my family settled a house a husband, financially secure a stable career and an empowered women who was confident in her own skin. Instead at the beginning of the year I looked in the mirror and saw a solo parent not happy with where I was or what I was doing, still living with my parents after a divorce a very messy ordeal, a lack of confidence a lack of finances and a need to make some serious changes in my life.

It is a tough gig to realise that how you thought you would see your life unfold was actually the opposite and in fact I had gone backwards in many areas of my life. Coming to the realisation that you are not in the place you wanted to be, had made mistakes that have messed things up, and nothing to bring to a new potential relationship accept baggage and debt, this was exactly where I was.

Feeling inadequate and not worthy, less of a women and at times an outsider in society I had to realise my plot in life. I have always had dreams goals and desires, but they had all been shot down by other peoples negativity or lack of support and encouragement. I had then mixed this with bad decisions, a lack of direction all driven by fear and listening to the influence of the people closest to me that their ways were the right ways and mine were just foolish. You can understand where my lack of confidence stemmed from.... I had been derailed and dis-empowered.

I have always been abit of a drifter a person who searched never really realising my potential in education, work and relationships. I had never understood what love was and saw it as a very unemotional detached business like venture. I had a strange fantasy and had an over romantic view on relationships but never saw relationships as something that I could commit to or really knew how to do them as such, it was the inability to be loved and feel loved. I had learnt that love comes with conditions, it is now I fully grasp the understanding that love is unconditional.

Candy shop and love in action

I have struggled with many things in my life, but direction has been a big one. On a holiday with my son and heavily pregnant with my second I went for a walk and it came to me. My life has been like this “Sure go into the candy shop, go into as many as you want, be free, dance, try things out, but be mindful of the sugar, its ok to have a treat”… Then when the weight comes on or the teeth get rotten or diabetes hit, the very same people now say “Gee you did this to yourself, how did you get so fat, you need to loose weight, it is your fault and you need to fix it up''.

This is the only way I can describe the mindset of our society. They want you to come along side them, try out new experiences, then when shit hits the fan, they are like gee look at you! However they do not teach you the tools along the way, nor do they help you out, or stop you from going there in the first place. The letter from Paul to the churches expresses his concern for the condition of the hearts of the people and then he wrote tools on how to live, how to love each other and gave them teachings, he then followed this up with visits or sent people to help them out. 

My lesson learned about love in action, if people really loved you they would explain the consequences of the candy shop, they would probably advise you not to go there and then if you still chose to eat the candy they will love you, correct you, and help you and  guide you to get back on your feet without judgement. You can not say to someone they need to do something without following it through with action. Faith without works is dead. Basic Christian principles is about love in action just do it with love and without conditions, especially selfish or the wrong intentions.

Jesus didn’t judge people, he told them to turn away from their sin, turn back to God and he gave them lessons on how to do it. He trained his disciples up, he didn’t just say follow me without following it through himself. He didn’t say turn away and don’t sin without doing it himself. Jesus was a man of integrity and without sin, and he died on the cross and became sin for us. Whenever we sin we are crucifying him over and over again. Understanding the character of Jesus makes you realise the amazing man he was and is.

Ephesians 1:17-19

“I pray that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, would give you a spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him. I pray that the perception of your mind may be enlightened so you may know what is the hope of His calling, what are the glorious riches of His inheritance among the saints, and what is the immeasurable greatness of His power to us who believe, according to the working of His vast strength"

I am now using my stories to share to encourage to motivate and to bring light to our lives. I am using my writing to help raise awareness of a very special non for profit project I am working on called Shining Shai's Light. It is in honor of the passing of my beautiful little boy Shai. https://www.gofundme.com/shining-shais-light