Ramblings of a 40 something

I have always wanted to write a book or share the story of my life, not as a selfish self-indulgence but on a journey of discovery a change of mindset and now here I sit with the title of "The ramblings of a 40 something". How did I get to this pinnacle moment of my life that I thought hey I really want to share my story? A few reasons, a new season a new relationship and a new child all at 40.  I started to write this blog December 2016 when I was pregnant with my 2nd son Shai. He passed away during childbirth on the 9th March 2017. In his memory and still with so many things to share that are burning within my soul, I have picked myself up out of the grief pit and have begun to write again as a healing process and in honor of my son. I thought that by the time I hit 40 I would have made it. My life would be in order, my family settled a house a husband, financially secure a stable career and an empowered women who was confident in her own skin. Instead at the begin...

The one thing I love about writing is the rawness and transparency it allows as we write from the heart, put our thoughts down, create a story a picture a moment in our lives through written expression. Revisiting my writing from December 2016, I now look at it through a different lens, I read it with a sense of humility through a changed heart. I still wanted to share aspects of my heart which I only wrote 5 months ago. The ever changing dynamics of life which overflows into the written word. As I sat on my holiday in Nelson Bay my life was a ball of tangled mess and emotions. I had not had a holiday for over 8 years and so desperately needed to find a direction that would bring about the peace I had so much needed. I needed to fly again. I began to write, to place my feelings my thoughts and these lessons I had learned. Here begins the journey of the ramblings of a 40 something... it is not an essay but a series of ideas sometimes linked, sometimes not... hold on for the journey.....

Have you ever seen an accident and rushed over to assist with the injured person? How many people do you see that have fallen over and are bleeding and hurting, however no one goes to their rescue?  “I see you have been injured and in real pain, but I am going to leave you so you can have some time to digest what has just happened?  Say that you are responsible for an injury or are involved directly or indirectly in an accident causing pain to another person. Would you help stop the bleeding call an ambulance, pray and apologise and ask if they are ok?? Where is this heading you ask? What is the difference with a verbal or written injury?  So why is it that when someone is hurting or communicates their concerns and pain through written or verbal communication people take on the response that they need time to heal or breath?? What is that? So a hurt a wound has been exposed and communicated yet the person who has witnessed or been exposed to the wound leaves it ...

How do you explain grief and sorrow when there are so many levels to it.  Grief is so different for so many people. Where do you start when the grief is so intense? Where do you start when all your dreams and hopes have been taken away from you? How do you get people to listen when all you want to do is scream and shout and try to explain to everyone what you are experiencing when they just do not understand. Is it pointless to tell your story when others just do not have the ability to listen or just get it. I am hurting here people and I just do not know what to do!! There is a numbness a lack of motivation or an inability to find joy in life. Sometimes there are moments of joy and then the cloud comes back over and dulls the day. You need to go back and hide in your safe place as the world is pretty scary and at times just doesn't understand. People ask questions, they wonder why, they think they are helping with answers or words which are only just causing more pain. If peo...