The rollercoaster of grief...
How do you explain grief and sorrow when there are so many levels to it. Grief is so different for so many people. Where do you start when the grief is so intense? Where do you start when all your dreams and hopes have been taken away from you? How do you get people to listen when all you want to do is scream and shout and try to explain to everyone what you are experiencing when they just do not understand. Is it pointless to tell your story when others just do not have the ability to listen or just get it.
I am hurting here people and I just do not know what to do!! There is a numbness a lack of motivation or an inability to find joy in life. Sometimes there are moments of joy and then the cloud comes back over and dulls the day. You need to go back and hide in your safe place as the world is pretty scary and at times just doesn't understand. People ask questions, they wonder why, they think they are helping with answers or words which are only just causing more pain.
If people could only just cry with you, yell with you, hold your hand get messy with you and love you exactly where you are angry frustration tears and all. Grief is an ugly place to be, a place that brings confusion a 'no where place' a 'I don't know anymore' place a 'I want to run away' place, a 'I want what is familiar' place if its positive or negative. A place that can we can stay stuck in if there is no hope no way out.
After being through grief in many areas in my life and most recently losing my 2nd son during childbirth the grief is overwhelming numbing and at times debilitating. I came home after the hospital and I lent onto my kitchen bench and I just cried and thought what do I do now! The deep hole that I was feeling the emptiness the surreal life that was now my reality, why was this was happening and this shouldn't have happened to me, this was not in the plan. What do I do now?
Then I heard a little voice say to me... "just do what you know, nothing more nothing less, just what you know". I just cried as I had so many things planned out and my eldest was so looking forward to having a brother and me another son. I was so looking forward to meeting my little boy and sharing a life with him, watching him grow up and having a little family that I have always so desperately wanted and had so much love to give.
I felt through the grief that I wasn't worthy of having the family that had been birthed in my soul. I felt that I didn't deserve to be happy I wasn't worthy. I looked at my life and I wondered why have I gone through the grief and why more? There is a time in grief that you doubt everything and get into a state of depression that hits you out of no where and all you want is something or someone to pull you out.
I have been doing so much reading on grief and teaching. With the psychology training I have had at University as well as years of coaching, I realise that there are no answers and no real set specific plans or management, but an internal understanding of self and how to just cope. I have set out on a journey of best managing my grief which has failed on its head many times, but there is no book and what worked yesterday doesn't work today.
The other thing about grief is that the actual event is very real, but it also opens up a whole bunch of other emotions. It is like a catalyst that creates an outpouring of pain, hurt, sadness, anger, frustration and many other levels of grief that has been festering waiting for an opportunity to be voiced. The thing with grief and healing is that through grief it can bring about a rebirth a new start a new venture and new mindset a new life or the re-ignition of passions that have been locked away due to life.
Through the death of my son I decided to create something to continue our little boys life by setting up a Go Fund Me site called Shining Shai's light. This will help raise funds to help set up an organisation to help support other families going through infant death, traumatic births and to bring comfort and healing even in their basic needs. To make something so traumatic into a voice that needs to be heard. If my story resonates with you and you would like more information or would like to donate to Shining Shai's light or just to be encouraged that light does come from grief and through doing something you will always remember the ones you loved and lost. Life will always continue in our hearts and our love in action.
Bless you xx
I am hurting here people and I just do not know what to do!! There is a numbness a lack of motivation or an inability to find joy in life. Sometimes there are moments of joy and then the cloud comes back over and dulls the day. You need to go back and hide in your safe place as the world is pretty scary and at times just doesn't understand. People ask questions, they wonder why, they think they are helping with answers or words which are only just causing more pain.
If people could only just cry with you, yell with you, hold your hand get messy with you and love you exactly where you are angry frustration tears and all. Grief is an ugly place to be, a place that brings confusion a 'no where place' a 'I don't know anymore' place a 'I want to run away' place, a 'I want what is familiar' place if its positive or negative. A place that can we can stay stuck in if there is no hope no way out.
After being through grief in many areas in my life and most recently losing my 2nd son during childbirth the grief is overwhelming numbing and at times debilitating. I came home after the hospital and I lent onto my kitchen bench and I just cried and thought what do I do now! The deep hole that I was feeling the emptiness the surreal life that was now my reality, why was this was happening and this shouldn't have happened to me, this was not in the plan. What do I do now?
Then I heard a little voice say to me... "just do what you know, nothing more nothing less, just what you know". I just cried as I had so many things planned out and my eldest was so looking forward to having a brother and me another son. I was so looking forward to meeting my little boy and sharing a life with him, watching him grow up and having a little family that I have always so desperately wanted and had so much love to give.
I felt through the grief that I wasn't worthy of having the family that had been birthed in my soul. I felt that I didn't deserve to be happy I wasn't worthy. I looked at my life and I wondered why have I gone through the grief and why more? There is a time in grief that you doubt everything and get into a state of depression that hits you out of no where and all you want is something or someone to pull you out.
I have been doing so much reading on grief and teaching. With the psychology training I have had at University as well as years of coaching, I realise that there are no answers and no real set specific plans or management, but an internal understanding of self and how to just cope. I have set out on a journey of best managing my grief which has failed on its head many times, but there is no book and what worked yesterday doesn't work today.
The other thing about grief is that the actual event is very real, but it also opens up a whole bunch of other emotions. It is like a catalyst that creates an outpouring of pain, hurt, sadness, anger, frustration and many other levels of grief that has been festering waiting for an opportunity to be voiced. The thing with grief and healing is that through grief it can bring about a rebirth a new start a new venture and new mindset a new life or the re-ignition of passions that have been locked away due to life.
Through the death of my son I decided to create something to continue our little boys life by setting up a Go Fund Me site called Shining Shai's light. This will help raise funds to help set up an organisation to help support other families going through infant death, traumatic births and to bring comfort and healing even in their basic needs. To make something so traumatic into a voice that needs to be heard. If my story resonates with you and you would like more information or would like to donate to Shining Shai's light or just to be encouraged that light does come from grief and through doing something you will always remember the ones you loved and lost. Life will always continue in our hearts and our love in action.
Bless you xx
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